Ghosting during the job search: it's the biggest pain point - and major shame trigger - for my job-seeking clients. As much as we can say, "don't take it personally, it happens to everyone," being on the receiving end HURTS. (I've been there, too!)
According to exclusive reporting by Hope King at Axios, 52% of U.S. job seekers were ghosted in the past year, and it happened at every stage after contact was made (24% after a screening call, 23% after an interview with the hiring manager, 12% after doing an assignment, and 12% after the final interview) - not to mention the *extremely* common radio silence after applying.
Ghosting happens, as King reports, because of:
- Sloppiness
- Avoidance of difficult conversations
- Stalling (ya know, "just in case"...)
- AND, a biggie that most people discount: the job doesn't even exist!
Yup, "ghost jobs" are *very* real: 70% of employers on the hiring platform Greenhouse had listed a ghost job, and about 20% of posted roles are ghost jobs! Not cool.
All to say: if you're being ghosted in the job search, you're not alone and it really IS NOT about you. Carry on and network steadily, which helps you find the REAL jobs.
But, more importantly, let's all push for treating humans with dignity at every step of the job search process. It's the least employers can do.
Why To Play With Your Self-Description Before Changing Your Job
"I think I might start playing with how I introduce myself," a coaching client said today. "Is that sociopathic?"
"Far from it," I replied. "It's exactly how we forge our identity."
I personally changed my verbal self-description *years* before I made my big career change from full-time higher ed faculty member to full-time business owner/coach, from "I teach at Bates, and I do some career coaching" to "I run a career coaching practice and teach at Bates."
The shift was subtle but it enabled me to:
- examine and address my self-reaction and hesitations (a "practice"? really?)
- observe others' responses (oh, they're actually *intrigued* not disgusted by the "practice"? "coaching" isn't too "woo woo"?)
- and, most importantly, begin to live into my aspired vocational identity - before I committed to it!
It's interesting that we don't bat an eye when teenagers morph in front of our eyes on a weekly, daily or even hourly basis with an ever-changing parade of clothing styles, songs/genres, and friends they adore. Yet we pause when we as adults feel the need to change how we present to the world. Like, "what's wrong with us?"
We're simply undergoing the same identity development process that we go through in adolescence. We live for FAR too many decades to remain statically the same person!
And, yes, playing with our language about ourselves is often a first step to making physical change in our careers, actions, and lives. There's nothing "odd" about it.
So if you're considering leaning into a part of your work that's been less emphasized, or a skillset that's been undervalued (by you and/or others!), try describing yourself in a new way and see how it feels. A whole new identity may, over time, result.
On U-Turns and Backtracking While Trying to Change Careers
Facebook recently reminded me that I was "leaving teaching" 15 years ago, in 2009...ha! Between then and when I *actually* "left teaching" in 2021:
- I spent a year writing full-time, both a textbook and articles freelance, and I learned how much I am not cut out for the vagaries and commercial pressures inherent in the publishing industry
- Simultaneously, I became pregnant with my first child...and realized that "stability" was a work-relevant value I'd been naively overlooking my entire adulthood to date! (go figure)
- I eagerly scrambled BACK to teaching in 2010. EAGERLY. (& oh-so-thankful that my colleagues graciously overlooked that I'd been "leaving"...)
- I began raising the first child, had a second, led the design of a programmatic suite for undergrads called Purposeful Work, and started a career coaching side hustle - all *while teaching*
Only after all of that occurred - 12 whole years after my triumphant Facebook announcement (and, I might add, two "I'm leaving" parties...eek...) - did I actually "leave teaching."
This doesn't mean I was a flake or a fool or a liar.
I was design thinking my way to better.
So many of my coaching clients have circuitous pivot attempts just like mine - and feel so much shame over it. Our society is obsessed with "leaps" and "big jumps" and "going for it." Society is not so keen on going backward.
But sometimes making a U-turn is *exactly* what needs to happen when you use of design thinking to carefully construct a career and life. Some prototypes (such as my full-time foray into writing) lead us to say, "um, no thanks!" and to reconsider our values and needs in a grounded, data-centered way.
That's not flakiness. That's good sense and experimentation done right.
Thanks to my U-turn I'll never (ever!) question whether I "should have been a writer" in a full-time capacity, as I had since I was 10. Been there, done that, all set.
I also will never (ever!) question whether I left teaching too soon; the final 12 years were AMAZING and filled with incredible new student relationships that feed me to this day (just talked with three of those alumni in the past month!) and fulfilling, intentional bucket list teaching opportunities that gave me a sense of satiated completion when I finally did "walk away." (Written in quotes because who's to say 2028 or 2034 or 2040 Rebecca won't want to teach again in some capacity? It'd be total arrogance to presume the future.)
So, nope 2009 Rebecca, your final honors thesis panel was not at all about rat brains. There's no shame in that. All the better for it.
Using Design Thinking To Find Meaningful Work - a.k.a., a Job You Don't Hate!
It was a joy to recently speak with host of the Australian podcast Self-Improvement Atlas, Marie Stella, of The KPI Institute's Life Management Science Labs (LMSL). We discussed tactical steps to crafting work and life that's engaging and impactful, navigating wildly different schedules to make the episode happen - I was about to put my kids to bed while Marie had just braved a wicked, delay-filled morning commute. The conversation was more than worth all of the logistical juggling!Talking under the auspices of
Here’s LMSL’s write-up about the episode:
“Some hope for a mundane job that will allow them to fund side projects, and others long for a career they can call their vocation. Both routes can be equally fulfilling, but one thing is for sure: finding meaningful work isn’t always the smoothest of journeys. So, join us in an episode of Self-Improvement Atlas as host Marie Stella picks the brain of speaker and writer Rebecca Fraser- Thill to learn more about the psychology and design thinking required for a fulfilling career.
A seasoned leadership and career coach, Rebecca guides her clients through masterfully crafting pathways to more rewarding work, transcending mere job satisfaction. From coaching clients globally to shaping purpose-driven initiatives at renowned institutions like Bates College, she champions the ethos of meaningful engagement.
Rebecca starts by shedding light on design thinking and its role in shaping meaningful careers, offering useful advice for applying its principles to career planning. She then shares examples of clients who have managed to align passion with profession, as well as personal anecdotes from her own career journey. Together, Marie and Rebecca discuss strategies to cope with potential challenges like work-life balance and burnout.
So, whether you’re looking to align your passion with profession, or simply curious about others’ experiences of the arduous yet gratifying pursuit of purposeful work, tune in to listen to a grappling conversation that will be sure to leave you inspired.”
If you’d like to know the “how” of creating meaningful work and finding a job you don’t hate, give the episode a listen!
On Habit Change: Modifying New Year's Resolutions
It's January 30th and I just worked on my New Year's resolution for the first time. 🤷♀️
To be honest, I don't believe in New Year's resolutions per se. I do, however, believe deeply in the importance of intentionality and habit change, and to the extent that New Year's spurs that on for people I'm all for it. But New Year's has rarely worked for me personally. That arbitrary "date of beginning new habits" inevitably creates a cycle of guilt (or, worse, and more honestly, shame) that undoes my best intentions, setting me even further back instead of forward.
So this year while I did have a habit change in mind - reconnecting with my long-neglected creative energy through writing in any form that is NOT focused on a product - I gave myself the grace to get to it when the time was right AS LONG AS I was acting in values-aligned ways while I wasn't taking action.
By "values-aligned" I mean that the only things that I'd allow to take the place of my writing time would be activities that are an a priori higher priority to me. Presence for my family and my coaching clients top the list and, lo and behold, January was a month soaked through with legitimate, time-sensitive family needs. Supporting my family members' needs was a higher priority than getting to my "New Year's resolution" - and any remaining time in each day was happily client-centered - so I gave myself permission to be present, to believe that the "intensively-present" period would eventually abate (at least temporarily!), and to trust that I would truly seize the moment when it finally arose.
And done! It happened!
What's tomorrow? I can't say.
But I WILL be back to this healthy habit, I know that for sure. And, finally, in a sustainable way.
Stay-or-Pay Clauses In Employment Contracts (e.g., TRAPs) Have To Go
Have you heard of "stay-or-pay clauses" in employment contracts? And that industries that employ a third of American workers now use them?
I first encountered a stay-or-pay clause (often and horribly appropriately called TRAPs) this past summer with a client in healthcare who felt stuck in a horrendous job due to a stay-or-pay clause. These clauses can demand thousands of dollars if a person quits - or even *gets fired* - within a set period of time of starting a job, and the period can be YEARS long.
That client managed to wriggle out (phew!), but I'm glad to see the New York Times bringing these horrendous clauses to the forefront in today's paper. The clauses illegally create a coercion to work in my opinion and according to one attorney cited in the article.
People already have *so many* reasons to feel trapped in exploitative, unsustainable, unhealthy work situations - from fear of not being able to find another job quickly to losing affordable health insurance for their family to having a "spotty resume" to retaliation in their network from a bitter boss. And the list goes on. I hear the litany of stuck points in sessions every day and get so riled up over them.
NO ONE SHOULD FEEL TRAPPED IN THEIR JOB. Period.
Business owners claim they need stay-or-pay clauses to make "sure their investment of time and money doesn't walk out the door."
Hmmm.
How about if instead we treat workers with dignity as a baseline - including by offering a workplace that provides and protects safety of all kinds, a sustainable and humane workload, the ability to have appropriate autonomy? And then we add in some provision for human needs - e.g., caring about them as an individual, the opportunity to feel a sense of belonging, support for their professional development, and a connection to the bigger vision of the organization?
Guess what? They won't walk out the door. Even when other amazing opportunities come their way. I see it firsthand all the time.
A supportive, human-centered, meaning-nurturing workplace retains people. Period.
Plus, it's basic knowledge in psych that avoidance of punishments only motivates people so far. They may "stay," but they won't STAY.
Operate with positives in mind and you instead get retention *plus* genuine engagement.
It's the only recipe that works in the long run - especially in a civilized society that claims to value human dignity. Stay-or-pay clauses have to go.
What's Missing At Work? Ongoing Growth and Professional Development
Wondering why you, your colleagues, or your workforce are stagnating? Here are some key stats we may want to consider:
58% of employees say they would leave their company if they didn’t have professional development and/or training opportunities
35% of employees rate learning and development among the top three elements of the employee experience
Over half of millennial employees say that professional development and training opportunities are a “must-have” benefit from their employer, more than any other demographic.
My latest article for Forbes dives into these stats and what we can do about them.
Human development is a NEED, not a “nice to have,” and organizations that provide ongoing developmental opportunities are the ones that keep the most engaged, productive, well-retained workforces. Stimulating workers is essential indeed.
Nerves Are A Good Sign
I love this quotation from Matthew McConaughey in The New York Times:
"Every time I go to work, I have butterflies. I talk to my kids about it: You can be confident and have butterflies.”
100% true.
So many of my clients think that feeling nervous means they lack confidence. In fact, feeling nervous simply means we care about what we're about to do.
When the butterflies stop, that’s when we need to be concerned. That means we don’t find the activity to be meaningful, important, or challenging enough. It means we’re stagnating and living passively.
So embrace the butterflies. They feel uncomfortable, but they’re absolutely a great sign.
Job Seekers Navigate Vulnerability Every Single Day
The unsung voyagers of vulnerability are job seekers.
Most of them haven't asked to practice their vulnerability skills yet everyday here they are:
Getting their hopes up, then "regrouping" when those hopes get continually dashed.
Reaching out to acquaintances, former colleagues, friends and admitting that they don't know something, that they're afraid for their job and/or that they need help.
Staring down their accomplishments - and perceived lack thereof - every single time they submit an application. Especially the torturous ones that require that a "restate your resume" form be filled out...in addition to attaching a resume.
Experiencing the shame of flat-out ghosting. Over and over and over.
Wondering about their future, unable to picture how they'll be spending their days next week, next month, next year.
Fearing for their finances and running the numbers over and over. Dodging friends' invitations for fun that has a price tag. Watching their savings (if any) flood out the door.
If you know a job seeker, let them know you see them and recognize the weight they're carrying.
And if you are one: I see you, voyaging vulnerability, every day.
That New School Year Feeling
Here in Maine a crisp edge is creeping into the air and backpack racks in Target look like they’ve been hit by a tornado. To me - an “in my previous life” academic and someone who loves fresh starts in general - this is THE time of year. This is where it’s at.
And couldn’t we all use it?
I thought 2020 was the topper in needing a fresh start, but between weather disasters around the world, political firsts of all the worst kinds, and a wobbly economy that’s tightening the job market, it hasn’t exactly been a summer to remember.
But there IS hope on the horizon. Not just because the leaves are threatening to change up here in Northern New England - which, yes, brings me hope! - but because of cold, hard data.
This week the stock market recently had its strongest one-day increase since June 2 on signs that interests may finally be done notching upward. For many of us changes in the stock market don’t impact our day-to-day lives in any way (I know that’s the case for me and mine!) BUT when large business owners and the wealthy start to feel more optimistic, it does impact us all. And of course interest rates themselves impact everything from home ownership availability to willingness to use credit, which impact spending and, therefore, job availability.
As a career coach, the more prosperity around us, the better for my clients, of course. It’s a bit obvious, yet when times are prosperous it’s almost an invisible factor. As the macro economy gets shaky, however, it’s suddenly obvious just how much of an “of course” this is. And that’s been the case in 2023. Big time.
My clients are still managing to get desirable job offers, and sometimes more than one offer at once. But the offers are much harder won than they were a year ago, they tend to take longer to come to fruition, and are, by and large, less generous than they once were.
The process to getting to a job in hand is important in so many ways. The more exhausted a client is by their job search, the less energy they have to be thoughtfully and healthfully choosy in accepting an offer, to create meaning and impact in their roles once they start the new job, and to be standout leaders and colleagues as they deepen their tenure.
All to say, we’re in need of some new notebook and lunchbox and sharp pencil feelings. And they seem to be on the horizon.
Fingers crossed, here’s to that new school year feeling edging in!
Are You Considering Taking A Sabbatical From Work?
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
One of the most common questions I receive from prospective coaching clients and ongoing clients is whether to take a planned sabbatical from work.
That’s a loaded question. A situation that works well for one person can be a disaster for another. And something as intense and “all in” as a sabbatical can especially be either of the extremes.
Instead of making a blanket suggestion, I encourage people to consider four questions when making the decision for themselves.
I present these four questions in detail in my recent article for Forbes. I hope it’s helpful!
Job Searching During A Recession
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
The uncertainty of economic downturns can make job hunting feel daunting. However, with the right mindset and strategies, we can navigate the job market even in challenging times. Here are some tips to help endure a possible recession while job searching.
Remember that recessions are a part of the economic cycle. While they can be difficult, they are not permanent. Keep a long-term perspective and focus on the actions you can take to improve your job prospects in the here-and-now.
Stay informed about the job market. Research which industries are still growing, as these may offer opportunities even during a recession. Additionally, keep an eye on job listings and be open to opportunities that may not be your ideal job, but could provide valuable experience and lead to better opportunities down the road.
Develop and showcase your skills. Take online courses, attend webinars and conferences, and participate in networking events to stay up to date with industry trends and build your professional network. While job hunting, make sure your resume and cover letter highlight the transferable skills and experiences that make you stand out from other candidates.
Don't be afraid to be creative in your job search. Consider freelance work, contract positions, staffing agencies, and/or part-time work as a way to gain experience and build your network. You never know where these opportunities may lead in the future - and they can serve as a financial “stop gap” in the meantime to reduce at least some of the economic stress and desperation that comes along with being out of work.
Stay positive and maintain a healthy mindset. Job searching can be stressful, especially during tough economic times. Make sure you take care of your physical and emotional well-being by exercising, eating healthy, meditating, journaling, and finding your personal ways to manage stress.
Enduring a possible recession while job searching requires resilience and determination. Stay informed, develop your skills, and be open to creative opportunities. With these strategies, navigating the job market even during challenging times is possible.
Developmental Conversations are Key to Engagement at Work
Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay
Feeling engaged at work isn’t just a matter of liking your day-to-day tasks, it’s also about feeling like there is room for growth and a path toward developing. Growth is a human need, and stagnancy breeds dissatisfaction, boredom and even burnout.
Clients often ask me some version of the following:
“Am I asking too much if I want to keep developing at work? Maybe I should just be content to have things ‘good enough.’ Are my standards just too high?”
Is a toddler wanting to learn to walk instead of crawl desiring too much?
Is a child wanting to gain more words in their budding vocabulary setting their standards too high?
Obviously not. And yet when it comes to adult development, we seem to think there should be a plateau point at which we’re simply “good enough.” Especially at work.
The research is clear that the most engaged, productive, and effective workers are those who are challenged and supported in their growth in the direction(s) they want to be developing.
That’s where career development conversations come in. They’re a two-way street, and while employees can initiate them with their supervisors, all the better when it’s the inverse.
That’s the subject of my first-ever article in Harvard Business Review Ascend with my collaborator, data scientist Shuba Gopal. I hope you enjoy our tips on making the most of human development at work. It’s NOT too much to ask for!
Is the New Year the Right Time to Search For a New Job?
The energy of a blank slate can get us all thinking of changes we want to make. Hopefully not in a “resolutions that will never stick” sort of way, but rather in a “I’m finally ready to make change” committed manner.
Sometimes the new year is the perfect time to make a big change, like a job or career path change.
IF we’ve put in the work for months in advance.
What is “the work” I’m speaking of? I explore the four key facets of it in my recent article for Forbes.
If we’ve put in the preparation, then the blank slate offered by the calendar turn means it’s time to make the change. If not, then our new year energy can be channeled into doing the work needed to be prepared for the big job change.
Either way, here’s to a productive, dynamic, goal-meeting 2023 ahead!
Imposter Syndrome is Real, Common, and Doesn't "Go Away" - But It Can Be Managed
Imposter Syndrome is the belief that we’ve tricked everyone around us and we’re not actually worthy of the job, accolades, and/or credentials we’ve received. It’s not a clinical diagnosis but rather a set of thoughts, so Imposter Syndrome is more accurately called Imposter Experience or Imposter Phenomenon. But just because Imposter Syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis doesn’t mean it’s easy to handle.
The bulk of my clients whisper about Imposter Syndrome sometime soon after meeting me. They go on to explain how the thinking limits them, affecting their confidence, effectiveness at work, and willingness to put themselves “out there” and take on new things.
All told, Imposter Syndrome is a major threat to workplace enjoyment, engagement, and productivity.
It’s common - up to 82% of people experience Imposter Syndrome, research shows -and it doesn’t “go away.”
That’s why I focused my latest article for Forbes on the practical steps to handling Imposter Syndrome, based on a decade of fine-tuning my strategies with clients - and in my own life and work! I couldn’t have become an full-time entrepreneur without these very tips.
Click through to read more. I hope you find the strategies helpful.
Agh, The Post-Interview Waiting Period Is The Worst
Job interviews can be scary and stressful. But they’re nothing compared to what comes after: the waiting.
My coaching clients routinely find that the post-interview waiting period is the most agonizing part of the interview process. Beforehand at least they could put their nervous energy into preparing. But afterward? What can we do?
Unfortunately far too many people pour their anxious job seeking energy into the wrong avenues - even destructive ones for their job search like following up too often and too eagerly. It’s important to bottle up the impulsiveness that comes after having a job interview and channel the emotions productively.
I cover the “how” of this in full in my new article for Forbes. Check it out here.
Wishing you productive waiting!
How to Improve Happiness, According to Researchers? By Working Better
10 ways to improve happiness
When leading researchers were asked to compile the Top 10 Ways to Improve Happiness, they only explicitly mentioned work once. Yet *every single point* on their list has major implications for our work choices.
10 ways to improve happiness:
Here's the list, as summarized by Albert Brooks in The Atlantic today:
1. Invest in family and friends.
2. Join a club.
3. Be active both mentally and physically.
4. Practice your religion.
5. Get physical exercise.
6. Act nicely.
7. Be generous.
8. Check your health.
9. Experience nature.
10. Socialize with colleagues outside of work.
If we were to shift this Top Ten to "work-relevancy," here's what we might glean:
Top ten factors related to works that improve happiness:
1. Choose a workplace that has flexible hours, where performance is based on specific outcomes, not on time present. (Enables numbers 1, 3, 5, 8, 9, 10)
2. Seek out a workplace full of warm, centered co-workers who have enriching lives outside of work for which they're eager to make space. (Enables numbers 6, 7, 10 - and everything that requires your time, i.e., numbers 1, 3, 5, 8, 9)
3. Demand a workplace that *actively* supports individual workers' priorities and values, including by making genuine room for all religious holidays (no big meetings or deadlines the next day!). (Enables numbers 1, 2, 5 and 4, at the very least)
What would you add to the "work-relevancy" list?
The Counterintuitive Fear of Loving Our Jobs
The Counterintuitive Fear of Loving Our Jobs
Earlier today I paused in between coaching sessions and thought, "I love my job." Counterintuitively, that very sentiment - the one so many of us search for - used to hold me back.
"I love my job" was a feeling that seeped through my being in quiet moments when I taught in higher ed. I'd be walking out of a seminar room after a rousing discussion, or a student had just left my office after a great conversation about thesis and life, or I'd have just read the most thought-provoking article in preparation for class and I'd catch my breath and feel the love of my job. "How lucky am I?" I'd think.
And then I'd shudder in fear.
Because what if I could never replicate that experience? What if teaching in this one institution in this one way was the only way I'd ever feel like I loved my job?
What if I decided I was ready to move on? Or, even worse, I was forced out?
Loving my job felt like the very thing that locked me in place. For 18 years! Those 18 years were absolutely wonderful in many respects. AND they were not developmentally healthy for me personally. The staying was born of clinging energy rather than abundance energy. It felt like the opposite of the dynamism that I wanted to embody.
I stayed put because I lacked imagination that there were *many* different scenarios in which I'd believe, with my whole heart, that I love my job. Lacking imagination held me back from pursuing opportunities that were a better fit for my goals, values, vision of impact, and family structure. The pandemic is the only thing that shook me loose and made me finally reimagine that good could exist in many different forms. In fact, "good" could become "even better." Which I'd *heard,* many times over, but never *believed.*
Now, with imagination behind me, I can say it: I love my job.
That's a privilege and an honor. I am grateful. And the gratitude no longer makes me shudder with fear.
Because now I recognize that even though you're fortunate enough to have it wonderful where you are in your work, you don't have to cling. Savor it, enjoy it, soak it up while it lasts - AND trust that when life shifts and you decide to make change, or when life decides to make the change for you, you can recapture that feeling.
Perhaps even with an added underscore.
Our Work Does Not Determine Our Worth
Believe in yourself! your work doesn’t determine your worth
My adult years have quite literally been a deprogramming of equating my work with my worth. The honor roll student was baked in deep. If my work wasn't absolutely perfect, my worth was on the line. That's way too much for anyone to bear. And it's not even true!
I know the exact moment when I decided I need to make a change and see myself differently - although I had no clue at the time HOW to do it. It was the end of my first year of grad school. I was in the Ivy League because, duh, "worth." I was taking my last final exam, in "Biometry II," a fancy way of saying Statistics II. It was "open notes" - but our notes were two jumbo sized binders. We had to know the equations and our notebooks cold to be able to complete the exam in the time allotted.
Somewhere midway through that final exam I panicked. I couldn't remember a thing. I flipped through the jumbo binders and didn't recognize anything I'd written in them. The exam questions seemed to be written in a foreign language. The equations looked brand new.
It felt like my world was crumbling. If I failed this exam, what would that say about ME? I was worthless if my work was without merit. That was a fact reiterated and reinforced throughout my years of schooling.
Fear of failure in any work
I cobbled something together and put it on the exam. I have no clue what I wrote, but I know for sure it wasn't good. I was in a full-on panic attack as I burst out of the aging building into one of many quads, heart racing, nauseous, sweating, dizzy. Tears started heaving their way out of me, so I ducked behind the building to a quiet garden that no one seemed to ever travel through.
At first, I sat down and cried. I felt sad and disappointed and ashamed.
And then, in an instant, I got really, really angry.
Why the hell was I crying?! Over an exam? Give me a break!
In that moment I realized I was 100% OVER caring around how I did on exams. And, although I couldn't have articulated it in that moment, I was OVER feeling like what I DID determined how I felt about myself - and what I firmly believed others felt about me. There had to be a different way to live because THIS way was not sustainable. Besides, living like that seemed to be *seriously* missing the point.
It's been 21 years since that day. I continually, gradually, make strides to internalize the lesson and live it more fully. It's a lifelong unlearning.
Oh, and that Biometry II class? I never saw the final exam grade, but I got an A+ in the class. You've got to be kidding me. Seeing that I did "well" despite doing so physically and mentally poorly only fueled my desire to unhook work and worth.
I'm so grateful for that stinking exam.
Our work does not determine our worth. Thank goodness.
Embracing the "And"s of Life
by Rebecca Fraser-Thill
Embracing the "And"s of Life
Recently my 6-year-old son was struggling to fall asleep as I sat beside him, holding his hand. Finally he said, “mom, I’m nervous.”
It’s break week from school here in Maine, and he’d taken a leap and signed up to attend a 2-day animal camp at the local humane shelter. He’s an introverted, wonderfully sensitive homebody who normally says no to new opportunities, especially ones that his sister can’t do alongside him (she’s too old for this camp).
But he’d already done one day of camp, and he had had no pre-camp jitters.
He rode home from the first day quietly, seeming to be holding it together in some way. Once he got some food in his system, though, he spilled out story after story of time with cats, dogs, and bunnies; taught us how to make cat toys out of pipe cleaners; and proudly shared a keychain he had made.
Then the bedtime admission: “I’m nervous.”
“But you seem to have had a fun day,” I said. “You did a lot of new things and learned a lot.”
He sniffled, the tears starting to flow. “Yes. And it was hard to be away from you and not be with my kindergarten friends. I was sad.”
He cried a bit, and I simply rubbed his back. Then he said, “And I am really excited to go back tomorrow. And I am nervous and I’m scared to go back. And I wish there were more than two days of camp. And I wish camp was over already.”
My son embraces the “and”s of life better than I ever did in my first forty years. In psychology we call the embrace of the “and” dialectical thinking. I’ve been intentionally working on developing that in myself for the past five years, forcing an “AND” where I’d usually put a giant “BUT.” It’s become mostly second nature by now. Mostly. AND those first few years of practice (I revised a “but” there!) were very challenging. It’s a habit I had to unlearn, and it’s been well worth it.
Thanks to that practice, last night instead of continuing to try to reconcile my child’s feelings the way I had while parenting my first child (sorry hon!), I simply said, “Well, that all sounds normal to feel.”
I let my son cry some more before I asked, “Is there any way I can help you?”
He rubbed his wet eyes. “No.” He took a deep breath. “I better get some sleep so I have energy for camp tomorrow.”
And he fell asleep quickly and bounded off to camp in his animal shirt today.
Here’s to embracing the many dialectics of life. As difficult as that may be.
